Complete confidence is the trigger point of every bad decision. It is about the quiet confidence wherein you sit and think, my growth has happened more as a person. This is because the learnings from mistakes have happened. The confidence made me feel that my emotional maturity has increased. This made me reach a conclusive statement that I cannot be tricked by life anymore.
And turns out I was totally incorrect. It was the evening of a random Tuesday. The two choices presented to me by life felt almost like an insult. There was an uneventful and quiet future on one side. This results in a better night’s sleep with dignity intact. You don’t need to explain to people around you alot and life is free from emotional plot twists, embarrassment, and complications.
While the other aspect of choice is the harmless-looking decision. But this type of decision gives you days and nights of replaying the situation in a better way. One day the future, you will scroll through old pictures and realise the decision that causes everything to fall apart. The conversation with a friend had ended for me weeks ago with no drama, no hatred, and no romance. It just faded off with a lack of interest. This type of climax is usually acceptable to normal people. But me being exceptional, was thinking and typing multiple sentences as an attempt to restart a dead conversation.
This felt more like a negotiation with my own dignity for a hostage. My brain started with the pitch of why this is a bad idea and needs to be dropped immediately. Logical reasons by the brain where they have never tried to revive the conversation, and there’s clear disinterest. However, my curiosity said something else. What if they were waiting for me to text and would be happy to hear from me? What if I am just being pessimistic about a story that can have a rather cute climax? This was the beginning of the damage. By now i was considering a huge and rare possibility and not just a text! And in comparison to common sense, the consideration of possibility is difficult to resist.
So I ended up sending the message in a desperate attempt to have a cute conversation. This was followed by immediate 4-stage grief, including panic, denial, regret, and additional panic. I started checking if it’s socially acceptable to unsend the message or if it will make me look more dumb. This is followed by the dread and the desperation for the revert. Every notification sound gave me a mini heart attack. I felt I should change the notifications of shopping apps to something different from the messaging apps. I realised that the choice of exchanging peace for panic was a voluntary choice made by me.
There is a thing about bad decisions which no one tells, you never really make bad decisions that seem good but seem interesting. At midnight these interesting possibilities become even more attractive. Today years later i don’t even remeber what the reply to my message was. But i clearly remeber the feels of panic, regret, and grief. Apparently the development of charater by life has no trained adult supervision!
